We’ve all heard of marriage-saving techniques like counseling, date nights, and communicating effectively.
But what do you do when your spouse has already broken that trust by cheating? How can you save your marriage after infidelity and lies have already caused so much damage?
This is a tough question to answer, but with some effort and a lot of patience, it can be done.
How To Save Marriage After Infidelity And Lies
Here are a few tips to help get you started.
1) Stay calm and stick to your convictions
When we find out our spouse has cheated on us, we often feel a range of emotions: anger, loneliness, fear, resentment… the list goes on and on.
It’s important not to allow any of these feelings to take over because it could cause you to make an irrational decision.
For example, your spouse might be pleading with you to forgive him or her because they are “so sorry” for what they did.
If you find yourself feeling an ounce of sympathy for them, remind yourself that it’s their actions—not their words—that should be speaking the loudest right now.
Remember that it’s okay to feel angry, betrayed, or any other negative feeling you might have. But keep your cool and stick with your convictions because if you don’t… well, you could end up changing them.
2) Give yourself time to heal
This is easier said than done but it’s an important part of the process.
Take some time before you make any important decisions—especially relationship-altering ones.
Make sure you’re in a good place, psychologically and emotionally, before proceeding with anything else.
We know it’s difficult to do this when your spouse is pushing for a quick fix but really, the only thing that will come from rushing the process will be more hurt and resentment—which we want to avoid.
3) Remain open and honest.
This is one of the most important things you can do to save your marriage after infidelity and lies.
As hard as it might be, try to suspend any preconceived notions about your spouse that may have been formed due to his or her actions and remain open and honest with him or her—even when it’s difficult.
If you’re thinking of starting an argument or bringing up the cheating, don’t do it because that could be a recipe for disaster and potentially damage your relationship even further.
Instead, focus on and talk about the future and what may lie ahead for both of you—as hard as it is to do.
Remember that whoever cheated on their spouse is at fault here—not the other person. We know it’s not easy to look past someone’s unfaithful actions but if you truly want things to get better, you’ll need to try.
4) Focus on the future, not the past.
This will be easier said than done but it’s important if you want things to change for the better (or even get back to normal).
We know it might feel like a betrayal has taken place and that some degree of damage irreparable damage has been done but it’s important to keep your eyes on the future.
After all, you two are still married and if you want this marriage to last, you’ll need to let go of what happened in the past—and handle things differently going forward.
5) Be willing to fight for your marriage.
If you’re serious about saving your marriage after infidelity and lies, you’ll need to be willing to put in the work.
You’ll have to continually show your spouse that you want things to work, even when it’s tough or uncomfortable.
If this person cheated on you, chances are they didn’t do so because he or she wanted out of the relationship.
No, the person probably did this because they were unhappy in some way—and it could happen again if changes aren’t made.
Don’t allow yourself to get complacent or feel like you can relax during this time because it’s when people are at their most vulnerable that they make mistakes or try to take shortcuts.
6) Avoid controlling and negative behaviors.
If you’re thinking about trying to control the situation or make things your way, don’t! Controlling behaviors, such as anger or nagging, will only drive a wedge between the two of you and could potentially exacerbate things.
Think about it: if your spouse is pushing to fix this quickly and easily because he or she feels guilty, why would you want to make them feel worse?
You shouldn’t!
Instead, focus on being supportive and helpful in a positive way—even if it’s hard to do so.
The more you push to make things your way by controlling this situation, the less likely it is that fixing things will actually happen.
7) Try to avoid trust issues or jealousy.
Avoid acting out by being jealous or having trust issues. After all, the only person to blame for any of this is the person who cheated on you—not someone else.
Although it’s natural to feel some degree of anger, resentment, and even distrust toward your spouse, try not to let it get out of hand.
And don’t take your anger and frustration out on someone else—because that won’t fix anything and could potentially cause even more problems.
8) Try to keep things balanced.
When it comes to dealing with infidelity and lies, try not to be too hard on your spouse or make things easy for him or her.
If you’re too hard on your spouse, he or she might feel like the situation is hopeless—or that they won’t be able to live up to your expectations.
On the other hand, if you make life too easy for your spouse after an affair, it might send the message that you’ve forgiven them and/or don’t care.
No matter what, try to find a balance when it comes to dealing with infidelity and lies.
It will make things easier on the two of you if you can do this—and it might help develop a better solution in the long run.
9) Look at the bigger picture.
Yes, infidelity is a serious offense and lies can be damaging—but if you want your marriage to last, you’ll need to try.
And the only way for this to happen is if both of you look at the bigger picture and do what’s best for both of you together rather than living in the past or trying to make things about one person.
After all, this is a team effort and if you want your spouse to be happy and committed to making things work, you’ll need to do the same.
10) Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect.
No matter what you’ve heard or read about other people’s relationships—or even your own friends’ relationships—they’re not perfect.
No one is!
You may think all of your friends and acquaintances have perfect marriages, but they don’t—and the same goes for you and your spouse.
Everyone makes mistakes and no relationship is without its problems or issues—so this shouldn’t be taken lightly no matter what the circumstances surrounding it might be.
If you don’t want to take the time and effort necessary to fix your marriage, this will only lead to even more problems down the road—and it could end up causing a complete breakdown between the two of you.
Conclusion
As you can see, this isn’t something that will be easy—but if your marriage is truly important to you, it’s worth making the effort for.
As you’re working on fixing your marriage, keep these ten tips in mind.
They’ll make things easier for the two of you to work together—and they might even help lead to a solution that will be beneficial for both people involved.
Good luck!